Dealing with Sibling Rivalry

Siblings have a unique relationship within a family, because they are typically close in age and may believe that they share the same problems. However, siblings can also be very competitive. Research has shown that as teens handle disagreements with their siblings, they also learn important skills:

• how to value another person's perspective,
• how to compromise and negotiate,
• how to measure their own worth,
• how to argue,
• and how to control aggressive impulses.

Why is there rivalry among siblings?

When a teen becomes very competitive with their siblings, they could be searching for external validation. Your daughter may need to win the game, or be better than her sister in school, in order to feel good about herself. According to Hans Steiner, Stanford University School of Medicine, "Sibling rivalry is essentially a competition among children for attention, achievement, and attainment".

Most siblings compete for their parents' attention, and this can be healthy. It can motivate each child to do their best. When it isn't healthy is when siblings experience a stronger degree of jealousy or competition that disrupts their relationship with their sibling or the family as a whole. A child may resent the special attention his brother gets when he brings home a report card full of A's, and they want the same amount of attention.

Sometimes siblings fight just to see how much power they have over their siblings. Teens will sometimes use their power over younger siblings to pressure them into things they wouldn't ordinarily do like playing practical jokes. While an increased sense of power can be a part of a teen's natural development, this is not a behavior that should go unchallenged. Parents should intervene when teens are bullying their siblings, and help their teen build a sense of responsibility when it comes to power.

Sometimes, sibling rivalry stems from a parent's competitive nature. Actions speak louder than words, and our actions may be encouraging our children to be competitive. Our children see us living, working, and playing in a more competitive environment every day. We have to win new clients. We want to win the game. Sometimes we forget to show our children that it's the effort that counts.

We may say, "You played a great game - it doesn't matter if you won" to one son. But then he sees the party for his brother the next week when he wins the game. Unfortunately, this will probably leave him with the impression that winning is more important, and he will become more and more competitive with his brother.

How can parents deal with sibling rivalry?

Set an example. The way parents resolve problems and disagreements sets a strong example for teens. It's essential that parents work through conflicts in a way that is respectful, productive, and not aggressive. Celebrate the times when your teen tries their hardest along with the times that they win. If both of your teens are competing in a basketball tournament and one comes in first place and the other second, celebrate them both equally. They both tried their hardest and did a great job.

Respect teen individuality. To ease tensions between their teens, parents need to acknowledge each sibling's special attributes and avoid making comparisons between siblings. Parents should also avoid scolding one child in front of the other. Parents should find time to spend with each of their children individually. Take them to events or participate in activities that they enjoy. Make sure they know they have your complete attention for that afternoon.

Do not get involved in disputes but guide them. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that parents should remain impartial and encourage siblings to work out their differences. It's a good idea for parents set guidelines when letting them work out their problems. For example, don't let arguments get out of control or become violent. By letting them work things out, teens can be taught to consider the consequences of their actions, think of alternative solutions to the problem, evaluate the alternative solutions, and decide on the right action

Appreciate when your teen solves problems or cooperates with siblings. Take time to praise your teen when they are able to work out a problem. This will enhance cooperation and help with future conflicts. Recognize your children when they cooperate with each other. Encourage them to build relationships in which they appreciate each other's talents and differences. Teach them to overcome their competitive nature and celebrate each others achievements.

Spend time together as a family and with each of your children individually. Family activities can reduce conflict, so establish an activity or a special day when your kids can spend time together and relate to each other. This can help ease tensions between them. Teens who come from families who spend quality time together have a much greater ability to problem solve, negotiate and compromise than those from families who do not.

Fast Facts About Adolescents

Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death for U.S. teens, accounting for 36 percent of all deaths in this age group. According to the American Automobile Association, teenage drivers account for only 7 percent of the driving population but are involved in 14 percent of fatal crashes.